YOU CAN’T HURRY LOVE, PIGGYBACK WARS, AND THE POWERS OF STARING OUT THE WINDOW
It was 1989 and we were the team to beat. Me, in my 75 pound frame, and he; although in elementary school, standing like a pillar at a very tall 6’2. He hadn’t quite filled out his bones yet, and in the back of my mind I took note that if I didn’t hold as tightly to his back as possible, I knew that I could slip and swing, snapping every bone in his lanky body. Chris was my first real crush. I was old enough to know that I had a crush, but not old enough to know how to have any game whatsoever. Every morning, I’d brush through my fe-mullet (the haircut that made my father cry when my long straight hair was hacked off into a bowl cut) and put on my brother Shayne’s hand me down Nishiki bike hat with the short peak on backwards. Dressed in a pair of jammers and my ‘Don’t have a cow man’ Bart Simpson t-shirt, I had buck teeth back in those days and a knack at turning the colour of a tomato on a dime when someone I liked even glanced in my direction. I truly had NO game.
We were the winners of the piggyback wars; the talk of the schoolyard. His height and my lightness made us unstoppable. We kicked out all of our opponents swiftly and with the determination of a crazed lion in heat. Our matching blonde mullets blowing in the breeze as we knocked over all of the other piggyback teams. We were meant to be.
Now, something that most people don’t know about me is that I had magic powers back then. I tested it exactly two times and to this day, have never tried it again, because I am not one to abuse that kind of power. But, here goes, If I longingly stare out the window and play the song ‘You Can’t Hurry Love’ (and it HAS to be the California Raisins version) while mouthing the lyrics, the next day, I will get asked out by a boy.
The first time I became aware of this power was the day after Chris and I won the piggyback wars. I was in my mauve coloured bedroom, window open, staring ardently and mouthing the lyrics and the next day, I woke up and the magic power showed it’s dominant face.
Kyle came up to me in class and said ‘Chris wants to know if you’ll be his girlfriend.’ Again, I was SHY. So I said ‘Um, sure’, and then ran and hid in the bathroom until my class ended. I saw Chris at recess. Recess was our winning period, but the second that his eyes met mine, my stomach churned and I ran back to the bathroom to disgorge.
My mom picked me up early that day, and off I went, mortified and with a very empty belly, but only to be pampered by her while we watched Days Of Our Lives and ate popsicles. Being sick with my mom was always the best.
Later on that night, feeling better with a stomach full of popsicles and wondering about the future of Jack & Jen, I went out bike riding with my neighbour Jody. As we turned down Cullen Drive, straight ahead at the end of the block was the silhouette of my abnormally tall, lanky first crush and new found boyfriend, Chris. I turned my bike around as quickly as possible and just as I thought I was out of sight, the words rolled out of Jody’s mouth with an undeniable boom ‘Kerri LOVES you!’……..and just like that, my empty belly was quickly much more empty.
Our relationship ended as quickly as it began. The next day, I muscled up the nerve to walk up to Kyle, our mutual mediator and relationship matchmaker, and said ‘Like I’d ever date Chris. Gross.’ and I walked away. The sad part is that Chris was sitting right next to him at the time.
And just like that, the team dissolved. The duo dispersed. And the unbeatable couple was no longer a couple. 24 hours my first relationship lasted, I guess I didn’t quite have the stomach for it.
I tried my superpower out one more time after that. The next day I got asked out and I have never done it since. I know when enough is enough. Don’t underestimate your superpower.
*Enjoy ‘You Can’t Hurry Love’ - California Raisins Version, best paired with a tall lanky crush, a mullet, and staring out a window.*
