LEAVE IT UP TO WHITNEY, CINDERBLOCK HIPS & THE MOST SEXIST SONG THAT’S EVER COME OUT OF MY MOUTH
“I’ve made a HUGE mistake” is all I remember thinking as the words from The Flower Drum Song musical “I’m a Girl’ poured out of my mouth like hail bouncing off of a car windshield. The windshield being the all-male judging panel for the Rainbow stage musical set to be presented in the summer of ‘92.
For some reason; at the time, I felt I was ready for the big stage. And my mother (who was always my biggest fan) thought it was a great idea. And so our prep work began.
At that point, I had only ever sung karaoke in my bedroom with the karaoke machine that my parents had bought me as a Christmas present the year before, altitudinous and mighty underneath the Christmas tree as if it were the God of the gifts. Two singalong karaoke tapes were enclosed, MC Hammer and Boyz II Men. Of course I was ready.
My mother, the folk musician that wrote songs about the Vietnam war and had a penchant for horrifying my younger brother Cam and I with her very descriptive lyrics ‘The babies scream, and then they die in the war in Vietnam’ helped me choose my songs and at the time, I thought they were perfect.
First off, ‘Run To You’ by Whitney Houston; because hell why not? My parents thought I was great, CLEARLY I could emulate the white knuckled, free spirited, anthemic vocal stylings of the great Whitney Houston with my hormone deficient grade 9 newly formed vocal chords. “JUST. YOU. WAIT.” I remember thinking.
Next up, we chose ‘I Enjoy Being A Girl’ because, of course it would best showcase my ability to thrive without even a whisper of training in Musical Theatre. I practiced, and practiced as the day turned to night and back into day again.
Now, something that you should know about me is that I was SHY. Like, not a little bit shy, VERY shy and being raised the way I was, I had absolutely NO clue how to be sexy.
I mean, I was in grade 9, I was awkward as hell and I was afraid of my own shadow, but there I was, trying to look like HER, the one from the musical.
I can only imagine what the horrified and glaring panel of men was thinking. Here’s this young girl believing with every inch of her body that she was being sexy, but whose hips moved like like a pile of cinder blocks and who’s chest shimmy portrayed itself like a retired seal. No one wants sexy from someone who moves like it’s their first day in their skin and of course I didn’t have any background music, so acapella it was, and the minutes felt like hours without an end.
I needed a recovery and fast and Whitney Houston was it. Once they heard what I could do, I knew that the expressions on their faces would change and I would be able to read them without any doubt like my mime teacher from high school, Mr Swanson.
I don’t remember much from that moment. The only thing that stands out to me is that my voice couldn’t keep up with all of the hop, skips and jumps I wanted it to.
I think that if I had crashed before, I had most definitely now burned.
Looking back on it now, I can’t believe ‘I Enjoy Being A Girl’ ever left my lips. This song stands against everything that I believe as a woman, especially as a woman in this industry. But at the time, I truly believed that 14 year old me lived and thrived in the lyrics ‘I enjoy being dressed in something frilly, when my date comes to get me at my place, out I go with my Joe or John or Billy, like a filly who is ready for the race….’
I didn’t get a callback from Rainbow Stage that year - and I never auditioned for a Musical Theatre performance ever again.
Maybe someday I’ll dust off ‘Run To You’ on some karaoke night in a dingy motel, surrounded in people with low expectations, and try and keep up with the notes. But then again, maybe those notes are just best left untouched.
Leave it up to Whitney - don’t fix what ain't broke.
*Enjoy ‘I Enjoy Being A Girl’, best paired with low expectations and second hand embarrassment.*
